Days Like Today (just ain’t no good)

by mratner

Some days I feel empowered. Other days, like today, I want to stop living. Every day, every fucking day, something hurts, or I’m sick, or my blood sugar is out of control, or a medication is off, or the kid is tantruming, or something. Days like today there’s no quality of life. And I feel like I struggle to lift myself up, work my ass off to be as healthy as I can, just to barely make it through the day. There’s no waking up feeling refreshed or rested. There’s no end to managing this disgusting disease. I can’t nod off and take a nap without setting my alarm to check my blood sugar. I’m chained to disease, like many of you are. And I can’t seem to come to terms with that on days like this. Doc is little to no help. Our health care system is ass-backwards so I, like so many others, am stuck being my own doctor, advocating for myself, saving myself, struggling just to get a needed medication to the right damn pharmacy. Why am I five grand in the whole for diabetes supplies and medications? Why does my new husband have to pay a thousand dollars a month just so that I don’t die? The whole system is jacked. And on days like today, I want to drive my car the wrong way down the freeway at full speed and leave the rest to fate. Live or die, what’s the difference when you’re stuck in survival mode? Ah, hell. I know I’m not the only one to feel this way. Shit, not even one of a few. So many people are so miserable. But we’re all so busy trying to survive that we don’t notice and don’t have the resources to help out another human being. Of life, why don’t you just kiss my ass today. Tomorrow, maybe I’ll feel differently.